LACKAWANNA
EXPRESSO

And It’s All Over

结束了

And it's all over. I couldn't figure out where it ended, but it's put to an end anyway. Two months, roughly, is not too long nor too short. They say we should just focus on the process we've been through, but not the outcome itself. I find it the perfect reflection of the training I had last two months.

I did my best, the best I could do, I mean. I didn't even know how good I could be, so I just kept trying. The pitch was never a problem since Base didn't require any keys higher than Sol in G major, and my singing posture was almost the top of the Base – I smile while I sing simply because I enjoyed it, from the bottom of my heart.

They told me that I had problem with my breath management. They told me I had problem with my exaggerated mouth movement. And they told me that I relied too much on my throat. Watch, learn, improvise, I whispered to myself. Trying to hold my breath down, trying to constrain my lip, trying to learn from Ms. Yu to lift my voice, I thought I was improving rapidly. Though Mr. Chen still showed faces to me once in a while, I got many comments, positive ones, mostly from my roomie Driver Ma, his girlfriend to be and our choir monitor.

When I was told by Chen in a low voice that I wouldn't be able to touch the main theme of Base in case I ruin it, I was almost going to let tears out. The little training room was so crowded as if I would have drowned in it. He will regret it, I reassured myself. But the arrangement was never taken back.

Was it all for nothing? Was it all for nothing? Was it all for nothing? I couldn't even handle a choir song completely, or I just lost the privilege to perform it wholly. 'Just leave the main theme there', all those times he was trying to teach me to sing right just flushed into my head. Every single time, it hurts.

The other day, the finale, I just told myself to do my part. Like a Sargent said once, cover your own sector, and nobody dies. Leave the main theme there, leave the disappointment there, leave my pain right there and just be myself, be expressive myself. Deep breath, posture, emotion, these I did just my best. But still, this burdens me with regret, to which I believe the remedy is not yet there to be found…